I haven’t written much lately because:
a. We went on a trip
b. It is the end of the year and there is a lot going on and this is our month of birthdays and all of a sudden my ‘free’ time is being spent making lists of ‘who is comings’ and pricing out animal cupcakes
c. There are always a million more good reasons NOT to take time to write than reasons TO write.
d. I am just tired, and once you (I) get out of the habit of something it is harder to get going again—it is always easier to maintain something then get it off the ground.
I am sitting here this morning feeling hampered by a whole bunch of things I have chosen. I am committed this morning to going into my daughter’s school to work on finishing the book project I started with her class ‘just for fun.’ I am also planning out the 20 minute yoga session I teach them on Tuesdays. I also just realized that I need to find or make (find) 22 banana muffins today because tomorrow is Jasmine’s birthday in the class and with this new move toward nutrition in our school the old faire (some nice gloppy cupcakes in colors you would not find in nature) will not suffice.
I am imagining a day/a world where I don’t have to do these things and I can just go into the office (where I feel like I have a lot to do) and work with no interruptions. That, I am imagining is my perfect world whereas I am here in this one where I am doing all these things this morning—and not even exercising is what I also am complaining to myself about.
In moments like this I feel like I am receding, I just want to curl up and do nothing—I want to ‘get out of it’ (At 40, I am wanting to ‘get out of’ the things I have created, planned, thought up, committed to. I feel like I am 12.)
But I know I am missing something—obviously gratitude for the life I have—seriously, but also something else. There is something about aligning values and actions that gets lost to me in moments like this. My friend in NY forwarded me a copy of her son’s preschool picnic/fundraiser announcement with the note:
I was going to complain that I just can’t handle any more of these things – like it’s sooo much to do all the time. But, then decided I would say that it’s nice that life is so full.
Note that she is a gov. official and has way less flex time than I do.
So, today, life is so full, so full of ALL of the things I want and I get to walk my talk about what is important, all day long. So, I am writing about it, because that makes me feel better and I am going to sign off, get Dylan some breakfast because he keeps asking and then run headfirst into this day and headfirst into a gaggle of rowdy second graders. (I am saying headfirst b/c it feels good–headfirst feels active, not receding, embracing–I like the image.) So, I’ll go headfirst into my work and try being grateful that everything is so full because full is fun and exciting and interesting and honestly, I’ve had ‘empty’ and I choose this.